Friday, April 30, 2004

Thai CN
My mind is racing because of all this Culture Night nonsense. In early reflection of it, I feel that I've grown a lot in this experience. I found out that I am more of a leader than I think I am. I'm really capable if I put my mind to things, and not to toot my own horn, but I can stand out fairly easily when I want to. Hmm. Yay for me I guess. Well, its better criticism than I usually give myself.
Another thing I realized is that I have really missed the ties that I have to my Thai culture. It's really a shame that I can't read or write and can barely speak at all. I feel that meeting these people and such has really impacted my life.
On another note, I think that this culture show has kept me so busy that I've had less opportunity to hate school. The only thing that is hard for me is the fact that I am a first year, and most of the people that I feel myself missing the most are 4th or 5th years. They'll be leaving and I'll still be here. Sigh.
More over, I think that Culture Show has distracted me so much that I've lost contact with a lot of friends from back home. I mean, in a way, I guess its natural right? Out of sight, out of mind sort of thing. Not to use this as a justifiable excuse, but its the honest truth. And not to say that I don't want to see them/don't miss them. It's just a time issue and my poor management of it contributes to these "problems."
In other aspects of my life.. its hard to imagine that me and Neil have been together for a while now. Almost a year. But that's only using our "official" counting. I think we should count June 7th as the actual date instead of July 4th. Hah. You know why. Wow. Well, I guess I can be nothing but thankful and realize that I've really been blessed with someone as understanding as Neil. Also, we've made it through, despite being so far away from each other. I mean, we've been friends for a while, and best friends for a while too. But now, its just.. wow. I guess time really does fly.
In terms of everything else, I feel really lost in a way. I mean, its like I'm just living to live and go through the motions. I don't have any big plans or preferences. I just go with what is given to me. For example, I found out that Candy won't be getting housing next year, so I'm stuck with some stranger. I don't know what to do. But at the same time, I feel like I will be able to tackle it anyway, just because I am me. And I realize I have no choice. And rather than kick and scream, I will do it with my head held high. Also, with my current roommate situation, it just feels so... blank. I don't know. I guess I'll just see what happens? :P
Yesterday, Neil, me, Ed, Johnny, Michael, Mona, Kristen and Emierald went to The Crab Pot to celebrate Neil's big 1 - 8 . He's all grown up now. Hah. Well, it was nice getting back together with the girls and boys again. I can't say that it was the same as before, or even that I had that much fun. Oh well. Sunday we're having another trip with the friend friends (Ed, Johnny, Michael, me & Neil). We're gonna go do some fun stuff. So yeah, it should be good.
Okay. I should really be heading to sleep now. Its just that my mind is racing with so many ideas and plus that I am reeking with insomnia. I'm just gonna go brush my teeth/wash face/etc. and read my new Flaunt magazine. Ahh. <3.
Y pamela 4:00 AM

Monday, April 26, 2004

Daddy Dearest
One would think that after years of understanding how he is, it wouldn't pain you as much to hear negativity coming from his pursed lips. But no. Here you are again. Waiting for him to stop his excruciatingly long winded sighs to just give you a moment to explain yourself. But when he's finally calmed down, you can't bring yourself to say a thing. Nothing comes out. But that dry uneasy scoff that you use to break the uncomfortable silence. Its like you're paralyzed by your own truth knowing fully well that you are right. Aren't you?
But being here isn't so bad. I mean, look at you, you go to UCLA, you get to live the dorm life, you have lots of people who love you, care about you. Or at least from up here on mommy and daddy's trophy shelf it sure looks cracking. Who knows what it would be like to just accept your accomplishments for what they are. Without having to feel so undeserving.
I guess its because stains on your heart never fully go away. And it seems like no matter how perfect things may get, they can never really be perfect. Because you weren't and you'll never be.
Everything you've achieved up until here was maybe just a beautiful mistake. Something destined to happen to some other soul here. But second guessing shines its bright light on your weak will and tells you otherwise.
So in that one second, you decide to reach for it. Take it. It's yours and you know it. Eat it up, honey you deserve it.
And just as quickly, everything crashes down. All you can hear is daddy telling you "no no no"... you'll get fat.
And you are. The fattest of the fatties.
Y pamela 6:23 PM

Monday, April 19, 2004

First Entry
Why is it that my college experience seems to be the only one characterized by loneliness and anger? I don't label myself as an unsociable person. So why is it that here... I am lost? I know its selfish and a little over enthusiastic to say that I am the only one. But, its hard to feel other wise when I'm the only one in sight in this stupid dorm room.
I feel a million times more confined here than at home. At home, I could drive my car. Go out for the afternoon. Eat whatever the hell I wanted to eat. BREATH. Here, I am trapped at school. And everywhere I look... its like school is suffocating me. In every aspect. I mean, its keeping me from the people I love, my family, friends, Neil. Its constantly shoving in my face the academic side of life that I've always needed to get away from. And even worse, there are tons of people around me enjoying this. Which makes me question myself a hundred times harder. Why why why. Why do I have to be this way and could I just CHANGE? I mean, its not like I haven't accepted that I am doing this to myself. I do. I swear. It's just that I can't change myself. I don't want to. I am content in my discontent. So, hah.
I was never one for social acceptance. Maybe because it's easier to believe that all people are shallow and judgmental bitches, instead of just realizing that YOU might be the only one who judges. UGH. I think that this may just be PMS talking. But, why is it that college is supposed to be the best years of your life, and here I am with a pounding headache as the result of spending too much damn time on the computer in my dark room ALONE?!
I remember my Orientation Counselor saying that she hated it here for the first 3 weeks and after that, it was all peachy. With her new found group of friends and new faces. She felt she had opportunities a plenty.
So why has my 3 weeks turned to 7 months? Every Sunday loathing the thought of going back to school. I just feel lonely here. I don't mind eating lunch alone or walking to class alone. But when I come back, is it so much to ask to be surrounded by people who I feel actually CARE about me? Rather than some mindless drones who prance around in their short little Hollister skirts and are addicted to the OC? Or people who make obvious their need to be something bigger than they were in High School? I feel that I am swimming in a bog of self-doubt. What can I do but wait this out?
Waiting scares me even more though. The thought that I am just waiting here for him to come join me. "Just one more year," I tell myself. But then my little voice inside reminds me that I may just be setting myself up for the hugest disaster ever felt in my weak little heart.
It's easy to be strong when you're in the midst of a wave of perseverance. But when you're here, at the ass of the world, clinging on with your last hope... It's hard to remember what strength is at all. And even worse, to remember why you started fighting in the first place. The only flicker of faith seems to be light years away, teetering so close to the edge of failure that you can already feel the tears welling up in your eyes.
Man.
What to do?
Y pamela 7:37 PM