Monday, May 24, 2004

Retreat
The retreat was SO much fun!
I really felt that I bonded with people from Thai Smakom who I never really thought I'd be close to.
It was really an enlightening experience. I feel pretty surprised that I have become a leader in this way.
Well, those memories are something for me to keep. Or to write about here when I'm really bored. Hah.

Well, I've been thinking about what I should do over the summer. I really want to work and go to school. I hope that I can get a job. And NOT at Surecall. Also, I want to take summer classes that count for some sort of credit. But, I don't know.
It's because I didn't really look into them and now I realized that they don't offer all of the classes at the times that I need them. Damn. I guess we'll see. Boo-urns.

Blah. My mind is running all over the place. I can't write!
Y pamela 11:24 PM

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Waiting
I'm waiting for my mom to call me back! Argh! She said she'd come and pick me up by 5 o clock and shes still not here yet. I've called her 3 times and its already 6:15. Blah. I don't like when people aren't on time or are flaky. My mom is always like that which makes me even more mad.
Its hard to expect a lot from her.

BLAH! and just like that she calls me. She's always doing this kind of stuff. But maybe its our history that makes what she say hard to swallow with certainty.

But, lets not get into that...

I'm excited about the retreat. I think this is really a chance for me to grow as a leader and even though its kind of mean, the fact that both Vanda and Candy won't be there will let me be more independent in Thai Smakom that I ever was before.

Lots to do and happen this weekend man. I'm excited.
Y pamela 6:16 PM

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Release
Once again I have a paper due tomorrow. Great. But I just came back from the Thai club old/new officers dinner and had lots of productive thinking. Just about team building, project building, etc. Leadership stuff. I guess in some ways I realize I am more of a leader than I thought. That is a good, good thing.
So, here I am. Not papering. Oh, well.
I realized that before I start papers I need some down time to myself. Either just to fake productivity, or maybe to let my creative juices start flowing before I have to sit down to articulate my argument. I hope I am feeling economic with my words when I write this damned paper. =P Bleh.
I thought that my down time would be spent talking to Neil on the phone, but I guess not. I called him at the restaurant around 9/10 ish and he was studying. So, yeah. I haven't talked to him all day. Just asked him how the test was. He seemed disinclined to talk to me. But, whatever. I guess I can't expect him to always be in a cheery mood. God knows that I'm not.
I don't know. Sometimes I think that I might not be giving as much as I intend to receive. He puts up with me a lot. Sometimes, when he doesn't have to. I always go to him bawling about something stupid here or there. And yet, he doesn't mind so much.
But, sometimes I feel like I turn him away when he acts like that towards me. Victimize myself into the innocent one who was just trying to be considerate when he, in fact, was being an asshole. Man.
And with all these tests and stuff, I'm sure he's going to be REALLY busy. But maybe this is a good thing. I mean, not talking to him so much. And not going home this weekend. Because next week he'll be taking finals, then its Memorial Day weekend. Hopefully we can spend time together. I don't know. Hopefully.
Well, I hope that this has given me a chance to unwind because I REALLY want to be able to wake up tomorrow at 8 for my 9am class. :(
I've done it every other (except last :x) week. *oh, please, please let me wake up!!
Y pamela 12:04 AM

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

I know you have a test. You have to study hard. You have to do your homework. You have all this work to do. You have to wake up at seven. I understand, I swear I do.
But I want to shrivel up and burn because I am not a test. I am not on the to-do list. I am just there. Here. Wasting space. Wasting time from the here to there.
You tell me how can you be so crazy? I could never forget you. And even though your words are coming out. I feel like they are impaling me. You intend to talk at me. Not to me.
I need to clear my mind. Because I am just asking for more than I should. Who wants a clingy person who cries when they are told to just forget it and move on? Not me, that's for sure. No, not me.
But, why? Can't you just tell me that you love me for once? Without me having to break down about being a nobody. Feeling so much stress. Feeling so lost. Feeling so unnecessary?
That is all I ask from you.
Say it.
Even if you don't mean it.
I'm desperate for something.


Nothing.




So, I suggest you go, but I have no intentions of stopping the conversation. I secretly wish you'll stay and push aside your responsibility to talk to me for an hour. Talk to me about how they legalized gay marriage, tell me about what you think, let me see what's inside your working mind. Talk to me.
With so many things in your life, I want to be the one that turns you to putty when you wind down. I want to be the soft music that makes you at ease.

But you go.
And I remind myself...
it was my fault anyway.
I am the one who suggested it.

So, it's time to lay your head down. Good night, sweet pea. I hope you dream of passing that exam.

But tonight I'll cringe because I desperately need you to say goodnight and I love you. Because if you don't say it. How will I know you do? How will I know?
Y pamela 12:41 AM

Monday, May 17, 2004

(Untitled)
I guess its like fame. It wears off quickly. Like that butter i put on my corn cobette from El Pollo Loco. By saying this I really mean: I don't like it here anymore. I want to pout and go home. All that talk about its not so bad, this and that. It was all a lie I tell you!
I'm tired of being here and trying to compensate for things that I obviously don't have. Yes, I like to stay quiet. But only in times when I feel that my opinion is unneeded. It was obvious that I wasn't in "the group" from the start, so why keep trying to fit my square peg in a round hole.
But I'm trying to stay positive and count the weeks til I go home, but the more I think about this being week 7, the farther it feels from week 10.
Ugh, and I seem to be missing Neil more. I mean, our relationship has really begun to get fairly familiar. And, in all honesty, I don't know how satisfied he is with it. I mean, he seems so hum-drum about it, but I don't know what to say.
I noticed a couple of weeks back that I am always the one to initiate an "I love you." I felt like a loser who hangs on every thread of her bfs conversation just to splurt out the mandatory I love you at the end. What the fuck. I am not like that. And I hope that he doesn't think of me like that either. Oh, fuck. So, I stopped doing that this week and am waiting to see how long it goes until he says it. As of yet, no I love you. Lets just make the official countdown from Sat. So, 3 days...
I hope it'll be okay. I mean, here I am on the outside trying to be a hard ass about it, when I know that I'll die if he really doesn't say it.
I don't know if he even notices.
What the fuck, how did I become so insecure in the most secure relationship ever.
On another note, I mailed the insurance papers today. I went through it pretty meticulously, so hopefully my lawyer will be able to make a case with it? I don't know.
Well, I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. I mean, what I'm going to do with it.
I really think that I might want to become a lawyer. I want to maybe major in English or I guess if its necessary PoliSci. But English is a definite must.
Maybe its just wishful thinking. Or maybe it'll really happen. Ahhh. Just gotta wait.
Y pamela 10:47 PM

Reality
I realized that the Thai Smakom retreat is this weekend. Now I don't really want to go because it will interfere with my no fail record of going home on the weekends. Its not even like there is anything there for me. I just like being there. But I guess I was like that ever since I was a kid. I just wanted to be at certain places so I could get the familiar feeling.
Eh.
I guess I should get over it. Plus, I do like being with the Thai club folk. :o)
I hope that I can go home on Thursday evening and still make it in time to see Neil. Then, on Friday morning I can come back to school to leave for the retreat. Sounds okay to me. And then its back to school the next Monday. BUT! Four days later and its the weekend! AND! I also get Monday the 31st off! AND its 9th week! YEEEEEA sucka. XP
Y pamela 3:01 AM

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Sigh
Things have been so much better lately. I'm talking to my roommate a lot more. And I'm actually not feeling as shitty as I usually do.
Things with Neil are also good. We don't have to talk for a long time EVERYDAY, but we still are there for each other when its important.
I don't miss things as much back home because I've spent time with my friends back there.
I actually feel good about this.
There is a balance between here and home. And it actually feels okay.
I'm going home today, Wednesday. Because I want to go clubbing on Thursday. Haha. That is wrong. But, I want to, so I will. Also, I want to spend Thursday with Jenni! Doing sisterly things like before. Plus, I get to have breakfast with Nicky on Thursday also if plans go through.

I have a busy day tomorrow.
And I can say with confidence that things are looking okay.

Y pamela 3:07 AM

Monday, May 10, 2004

-_-
low and behold.
despite my optimism, here i am.
4:50am.
great.
Y pamela 4:49 AM

Dot dot dot
Not feeling as hateful or emotional as I usually do. Hmm. Interesting.
Back at school.
Not loathing it so much because I feel reassured by my rather socially productive weekend.
Thursday went to CN Afterparty, had fun.
Friday went to hookah with Erin, Liezl and Lucille. Went to Hidden. It wasn't that good for some reason.
Saturday got my new cell plan situated, so hopefully I'll actually be able to receive calls on campus. Went to a rice tracks party. There were some really good dancers there, but thats expected.
Sunday celebrated Mother's Day. Me and Jenni got Mommy a purse with a casino theme printed on it, a picture/picture frame that we took and a clever card.
Haven't been able to see/talk to Neil that much lately. It's kind of hard, but understandable. And I guess I really need to stop being so dependant on him. I mean, even though its hard for me to hear, I think he's right that we both may be getting too comfortable. But at the same time, I really can't imagine myself with someone else and feeling as complete as I do now. Hmm. I don't know.
I think I should really go to sleep now. For the past 3/4 days I've been going to bed at 4,5,6 am and waking up past 1. And tomorrow, I HAVE to wake my ass up at 9ish. Blah.
Y pamela 2:34 AM

Thursday, May 06, 2004

stupid things always happen in my stupid life...

but how do you know just what to say to pull me back down to earth? to let me know that I am worth something? to justify me?

Thank you, my guardian angel, my best friend, my love.

I love you more than you will ever know.
Y pamela 1:12 AM

You tell me I'm an eloquent writer. That I have a certain finesse in the way I describe things.
Now more than ever I am searching for words in my head to find a viable and justified reason to feel the way I do and I can't.
Where are the words now?
You ask me about marriage. What do I think about it? I don't know what I think. Why does it hurt my heart when you ask me this? I honestly don't know. And I don't know how to answer your question the way you want to hear it. You think that there is something underlying my lack of.. anything. Something hidden beneath my insecurity. But, I'm telling you there isn't. I don't have anything to hide from you of all people. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Stop asking me, go away and leave me alone.
Why do I feel like there is a gaping hole where that part is supposed to be? The part that understands where I am headed. Where I have been. Instead all I can see is the here and now. The space between. The intervals of time between yesterday and today.
You ask me what expectations I have. And I have none. I don't have any goals. No aspirations. I am just going with the motions. And it's the truth.
But, why? Why do I strive to work hard at school? To make my parents "proud?" No, it's because if I didn't work hard, I'd have nothing to do. It is my own pathetic attempt to add something to my name. If my past is gone. And I have a non-existent future, at least I know that I have completed this 8 page paper on Jesse Oonark's Canadian influenced tribal art. If only that much, I feel that I am more alive than I was ever before.
I don't like when people ask why I do the things I do. I just do them. Because they are inherent to me. Why do you have to ask me all these questions? I feel an uneasy pain in my stomach that feels like realization.
It makes me feel like a pathetic waste of skin. I am worth nothing because along the path of life I haven't collected any of these dreams or hopes that make you all human.
Makes me understand that maybe this is why I am the way I am. Because I have nothing to live for and nothing to die for.
And it makes me scared all the same. Because look at you. With your little house of cards. Stacked up so nicely. In preparation for the "future." Can't you let me in.. ? Just for a bit? To see what it would be like? To have a Queen of Hearts and a King of Spades?
Y pamela 12:27 AM

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Almost Doesn't Count
Ugh. I hate this feeling of incompleteness.
Something is definitely wrong with me.
I am riddled with half thoughts and missing pieces.
I've been a cheater lately. Throughout everything I remind myself that I must be happy with what I have instead of always wanting what I obvious can't attain. Seeing people around doesn't count for anything, you stalker. And knowing peoples names doesn't mean that they give a damn who or what you are.
I feel like I'm completely invisible to the world.
I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that I was meant to be an observer.
Watch life pass you from the sidelines.
But what about last nights revelation? Realizing that you didn't want to be 60 or 70, stiff on a musty bed that echoed an absolutely ordinary past, understanding that you just let everything pass you by? It was scary and sad to think that it may, in fact, happen.
It is right now.
You create your own misery and bask in it. That's what your problem is.
Ugh. And you expect so much from other people.
But the sickness that you have is even more perverse in that you understand completely what your misconceptions are about others. You understand why you can't have this or that. And yet you purposely choose that route.

You masochist.
Y pamela 7:48 PM

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

The Three Waves of Feminism
5pm is definitely too early for the procrastinator to begin writing a midterm paper. Therefore, here I am, naming my blog entry The Three Waves of Feminism. Some sort of pathetic attempt at accomplishment.
In the past couple of days I have been lost, found, and lost again. Feels like everyday is a continual struggle. If not with just everyday things, then dealing with my own paranoia. I really need to get out more.
Having so much time on my hands makes me anxious and jittery. I don't like it.
I want to be doing a million things with my preciously wasted time.

Instead I find myself online. Looking up strange things. Like the entire list of phobias. And the clinical diagnosis for insomnia. (Which I have taken the liberty to diagnose myself with) I swear, I have it.

People with insomnia may complain of difficulty falling asleep. The problem may begin with stress. Then, as you begin to associate the bed (and school) with your inability to sleep, the problem may become chronic.

Depression and mental illnesses often are associated with insomnia.

Most often daytime symptoms will bring people to seek medical attention. Daytime problems caused by insomnia include the following:

Poor concentration and focus

Difficulty with memory

Impaired motor coordination

Irritability and impaired social interaction

Motor vehicle accidents because of fatigued, sleep-deprived drivers

People may worsen these daytime symptoms by their own attempts to treat the symptoms.

Ah. Temporary solutions I have come with include: drawing, blogging, self-loathing and writing.
Strange. When I go home, I feel fine. But here it's weird.
I am psycho.
Y pamela 5:17 PM

Sunday, May 02, 2004

I feel like I'm struggling so much with my life right now...
Y pamela 11:35 PM

What to do
Culture night is over. In all honesty, I know that I'm not going to talk to a lot of these people ever again. Some out of choice, some not. All of our lives are parting ways. And although its a wonderful thing that we actually got to meet at one point, I find it hard to let go of a group of people who actually made me feel worth something in a place where I've felt so lonely. Oh well.
I really don't like school. Feels like when I come here I have to confront all of my problems condensed into one place. It's weird that I feel this way. It's like whenever I get here, I already have that dread in my heart. The feeling of emptiness, loneliness, complete alienation. I still don't know why I won't let myself open up more. I just.. can't.
I think part of me is more sad that CN is over because now I won't have any excuses. And any reason to push any of my problems away from me.
These legal papers that I got in the mail are really worrying me. Not because I have to fill them out... but because I have to face the reality of my own stupidity. Ugh. I should just get over myself and do it. Because the quicker I do it, the faster it'll be over with. Or the faster all the torment will begin and end. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I don't know.
I'm just so sick of everything. And feeling in a shitty mood.
I hate school.
I wish there was something here for me.
Someone here to listen to me.
Someone who I don't feel judges me.
Someone who understands me.
Someone who is close enough for me to actually hang out with.
Someone who won't ask me all these inane questions that I don't want to answer.
Someone who doesn't ask me if I'm okay because I'm not being a chatty ditz.
I hate school.
...
I miss home.
Y pamela 11:17 PM