Thursday, June 17, 2004

I am reading around. Searching around the internet. I am wondering how I can equally express my "artistic ability."
I don't know.
Surfing around, I can definately see the different cliques online.
It's like the indie folk who really think they're it. With their crisp and bright pictures. Their minimalist layouts full of nothingness. Pretty faces. Strange picture angles. How poetic of you.
And then there's the under layer. The foul. The ones you cringe at because they're not as pretty. But, fuck. They are real. Fucking real.
Sometimes I think that I've found it, that I'm fucking real. But then I realize my place. Sometimes just another seatfiller on the wagon of band.
But sometimes I reach for that extrordinary crevice in my mind. At times I can reach it, but the thing that I want to happen is.. for my mind, myself to live there. To create there. To not be so engrossed in pleasing others. Be happy in my own little world.
I want to not be wanted so much. But it is hard to swallow. This whole realization that you might just be alone.



...

Y pamela 3:06 AM

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

I'm so tired of people trying to be so many things to everyone.
Sometimes I don't know if its because I want to be like that, to be so shallow and want to rave about my "coolness" or self importance, or because I'm not like that. I mean, I wish I wasn't so content in just standing in the sidelines and being the quiet girl who is contemplative in nature. The thing I don't like about being so passive is that sometimes people don't expect anything much of you after that point. Meaning that they don't know that you actually LIKE to have fun and talk and be exciting. AH.
And it annoys me that the media celebrates "losers" and "nerds" like Napoleon Dynamite, when in reality its not like that at all. And it annoys me that in the movies, being the quiet shy one always brings you some eventual huge and dumbfounded triumph. Boo.
In reality, if you're quiet or anti-social, you just get left in the cracks. Forgotten with ease.

I don't know why I am sounding so angry. Because when I think about it, I really am content with the fact that I am me. I am often quiet and observant. I like to be a wallflower. But I also like to go out, go to parties, be young. I don't know. Maybe the problem is that I don't know what the hell I am.

And it annoys me that most people my age just rant and rave about what bands they're into. Or conveniently drop names of people they know, clothes they've bought. All in attempts to satisfy this ego that is calling out to be recognized? I don't know. And I know it sounds like the laments of a high school loser.

But, I'm not a loser or a loner. Or at least not on the outside.

I mean, I've got plenty of friends. Know people, have gone places. Have opened my eyes.

I don't know why it gives ME satisfaction, then, to gripe about all this stuff. :\
Y pamela 1:55 AM

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Why do I always have to be fucking sick. Man. This was seriously explosive fucking diarrhea. I don't know how much into detail I want to get, because it disgusts even me.
This has been a REALLY bad health year for me. I don't know why. I hope there is nothing that is seriously wrong.
I feel bad for doubting that Neil was sick. He has an appointment on the 21st to check up on the blood in his stool. I really hope that there is nothing wrong. It would feel wrong to pray for him at this point, seeing as how I rarely pray. I'll just wish in my heart that he's okay.

Birthday
So, this 19th birthday of mine has just passed. I feel no catharsis this year. I guess the same goes for last year though. I don't know. Feels like it just passes. Oh, well.
I enjoyed the time spent with my friends except for the fact that the fucking bill for Claim Jumper came out to 340 bucks. Damn. I'm glad I got to treat them out though. They are amazing people that I am lucky to have as friends.
I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but sometimes I wonder to myself how I can be as selfless as I sometimes am. Whatever. Maybe I'm just nuts.
The picnic I had with Neil on my actual birthday was amazing. I felt so lucky to just be spending the WHOLE day with him. He even came to Claim Jumper. The whole day, man. He is wonderful.
What I thought was kind of disappointing was the fact that the guys didn't really do anything for me. But I guess it goes back to this whole masking of the truth behind this veil that I'd like to believe. I mean, this whole idea that its me and the boys. When in reality a lot of the time, its just sympathy for me as a result of being Neil's girlfriend? I don't know. But, I am pretty close to Michael and Johnny and of course Neil. But not really Ed. But whatever. I should think about all those times we didn't do a damn thing for the other guys birthdays. I guess its just hard to say because of the fact that Neil's great bday surprise has just passed. Damn. And here I am talking about being selfless. Fucker.
What else do I feel like talking about?

Family
I really want to say this, even if its just for me to know. But, I really REALLY REALLY love my mom. More than many things in this world. She sacrificed a lot for me and my sister which makes her amazing. And I guess its these bubbly times that allows me to forget a lot of other stuff that she's done to me and my family. But, oh well. I really CAN say, now, that she's been there SO consistently and supportively in all my recent endeavors. I hope that it just continues this way.
My dad is another story. I feel that with each passing year his presence in my life, and in Jenni's life, is just dwindling. It's like he is just disappearing. And sometimes I feel bad and guilty, but its just so passing and fleeting. I mean, I can't help but think about what he's doing on all those days he says that he's missing us and stuff. Blah.
I really should watch what I say, because what comes around really goes the fuck around.

June 7th
I know what this day is. The first day me and Neil really became "close." As in the physical sense. If not for this day a month ago, I would not have felt the enormous amounts of love that I have in the past year. I would not have understood what real love is. I would have always believed that love had to be underlined with some deceit. But here you are. With me. I love you, Neil. I love us.


Well. I've really gotten a jump start. A feeling that I should live my life as fully as possible. Not in the go bungee jumping sense, but in that I am REALLY trying to be more aware of all the LIFE that surrounds me. Reminding myself to live fully, totally and not shut my eyes to things that are hard to accept. I have to realize that these things are all a part of life and the life that I'm living shouldn't be exempt from them. I feel really positively about this. More because its a huge personal enlightenment that I feel I have reached. I am grateful for this.

Sigh. I should remember to write in here more often.
Y pamela 3:40 AM