Thursday, November 04, 2004

I feel like such a loser.
I don't want to pretend anymore. That stuff is okay. That school is okay. That I feel okay.
This weekend and the rest of the week is going to be so hectic and busy. And I am just so frustrated.
Neil makes me so mad. I hate how I am always being disappointed. I know that it probably isn't his fault. But also. That it is.
Why would he tell me that he can come down on Saturday when he probably can't? Why does he always say those things and never hold up to them? Why does he make me feel like shit when he doesn't even say anything. Why do I feel this way whenever someone doesn't come through. WHY did I choose to be in a relationship with someone like Neil.
Who broke up with me.
Who misses our friendship moreso than he does me.
Who loves me "despite the way I look."
Who says blunt remarks without thinking.
Who puts himself before me, anyone.
Who doesn't have the same values as me.
Who ALWAYS manages to give me a bruise or kick me or hurt me.
Who is always making me feel like I am giving him everything.
Who is draining me away.
Who apologizes by saying "my bad."
Who has an ego larger than myself.
Who is always a question instead of an answer....

I know why I am so angry with him... because he never knows. I have to always spell it out. And he is always talking about how much he has to work. And never really thinks about how much I do? He thinks that I am crazy and unfair because I tell him that he doesn't care as much as I do. But it is the truth. I wish I could measure it out. He would see.
I am always there for him. Whenever he calls. But I know for a fact if its after 1AM. I will not get answer. He will let it ring. He will be folded up in his sheets dreaming away. And will feel bad at my missed call. Will pout. But I would answer. I would hear the ring. I would.

There is an inherent difference in the type of people we are.

One who sacrifices and the other who is sacrificed.

And yet I stagger on. Unsure and angry at the fact that he is the way he is.
And that I am the way I am.

Y pamela 4:53 PM