Sunday, March 20, 2005

Don't know where to start. Small things lead to bigger things. And I feel smaller and smaller. Sometimes I feel like our relationship is a blessing; that it gives me the peace of mind that I have been lacking in so many ways. At other times I feel bitter towards it; it forces me to realize a lot of issues that I need to address. I feel really sensitive to some things and I get angry and kind of jealous that you don't really know why. Is it because you haven't felt this way before? That you are not scarred as I am? I don't know. It's not fair for me to assume it either. But, I can't help it. I know that you are trying, as I am. But sometimes I feel like I am just trudging farther and farther. And it's scary to think that in a little while you might be so far away. And what will happen to us? I am trying not to set my heart on you. But its hard to just pull yourself out of something that you have so invested yourself in. And your fears of commitment worry me. That you aren't sure about what you want. And on top of that, I'm scred that what you may be sure of isn't me at all. Please don't go away. Please. I know I've caused a lot of distress for us. But please don't go away. Out of everything, I think you are the one thing that has been consistent. You are always there for me. Sometimes I really question if you feel the same way as I do. Can you? Do you? It's just swarming insecurities. I know we fight sometimes, but we love more...
Y pamela 4:52 PM

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

You are a jerk faced bastard; that is the god damned truth. Tonight Neil pulls another one of his shade-master moves. God damn. Just as we're in the middle of our conversation he goes "Yeah, I think I'm gonna go to sleep now." My natural response is "what?" We were just having a normal conversation and suddenly Neil has to go to sleep. I give him the silent angry voice, trying to hint that hes being a jerk, but to no avail. He's laughing at how tactless he's been. He thinks its funny. He is attempting to shrug it off, but I know inside he knows that he's WRONG. But he just won't admit it. Instead:

Goodnight; talk to you tomorrow; bye.... bye. And as I'm waiting for him to say: SORRY I hear the ringing of my alarm: Erin's Birthday is today. Fucker; he has hung up. I didn't even know.

I walk back into my room trying to put on some sort of mask to assure myself that he's not being EVERYTHING I told him makes me sad, insecure, feel like a complete idiot. We just had a "talk" on Sunday. I told him that I didn't know what to do. In fact, I had been a wreck all weekend. I told him about how I feel: I feel like you're always having to do something else. That I'm not that high on the priority list. I feel like I'm just supposed to get over everything it like nothing happened. Act like it doesn't affect me as much as it does. I feel like I'm still messed up over this whole thing, and you're just fine and dandy now that you've gotten everything off your chest. How would you feel if someone just dumped you and decided to collect you again? Or if someone told you that everything you did in the past year and a half made them feel dirty, wrong, uneasy. If you didn't want to do it, you didn't have to. Of course it's hard for me to believe you don't want to do anything; look at how we started out. I feel like I'm just waiting and waiting for you to tell me what I should do. How I should act/react. How I should feel. Because I feel like every move I make is the fucking wrong one. What am I supposed to do to make things better? I thought I did. And I was wrong. You're scared that I am in love with you til death do us part. I never said that; why would you think that? You think we're consummating our love? Why can't I just tell you I love you because I love you right now not because I love you for MARRIAGE. GOD DAMN. And on top of that you always build me up, saying that you can do things, go out when you can't/aren't able to. And I KNOW that you're parents don't let you and that you have other restricting circumstances. But why is it that I'm always the one giving in? The one picking up the slack? Oh, you can't go out? It's okay. Oh, you're mom is mad that we're on the phone? Okay. Oh, you don't want to fool around anymore? Okay. OKAYAOAKJFLKAHSfLKHASFASFIOhaISfhailoshfaisjasf.
I tell him all of these things. Spilling them out on my door step. All of my thoughts falling all over the floor. I'm just trying to crawl out of this wreckage that I am....
He explains that: he sees me a lot more than he would be able to otherwise. He DOES try really hard. Lately he's been calling me earlier. His plans are often ruined because of his parent's habit of telling him things last minute. He tells me all of the work that he has to do. All the reasons he is busy; they are legitamate. School, work, homework, etc. He knows that he plays pool and goes to the gym, but what else does he do?
I agree. I know in some ways I'm just being a snob. But I can't help but ask myself WHY do I have all of these indecisions, confusions, etc. Why is it that it's so hard?
He lets me cry and tells me that it'll be okay because we are together. That I mean a lot to him. We get over it. We drive around and see million dollar mansions in Huntington Beach. We eat korean barbeque and get ice cream after. I love him.

And tonight he just slams the door in my face. After thinking about all of these things (a time span of about 15 minutes), I call him back.

Hello?
Hello.
I'm sorry for being so abrupt with you Pamela.
I called just to tell you what a jerk you are.
Thank you.

I go on to explain to him that things like THIS are the reason I feel the way I do. He says that he feels so stupid apologizing for something that he just did. As if the apology reaffirms the fact tha he's being a dumb ass. GAH! But the problem is you just:
1. leave like its nothing to you
2. laugh things off like you didn't do them, which makes me feel really awkward about the situation
3. tend to other things before you even consider how I might feel
4. talked to me about this whole thing and acted like you understood WHY I might feel the way I do

GOD! I just don't understand why you do this? And then you get quiet as if you're disappointed that you're once again the dunce capped boy. But what the fuck do you want from me? You are the one who brings up all these: I don't want to's, and maybe we shouldn'ts. You're the one who pretends to understand why I feel a certain way. But when it comes down to the actual situatuions, you don't even know what the hell to do but laugh things off.

Damn it. Makes me so mad. But makes me feel bad at the same time.

I feel bad because:
I don't want him to feel bad for being "the one to cause the problems"
I feel like I'm always the one initiating the need to solve these problems
I feel like he feels like hes always to blame
I feel like I should be more relaxed and not complain so much

I don't feel bad because:
I don't think I should have to hold my tongue to save his feelings
If it's important to me, I should be able to freely express it in our relationship
I would readily receive him if he wanted to discuss any of his problems with me
I have been shut down in BIG WAYS by him
At least I'm considering how he feels


Damn. I don't know what to do.
Y pamela 12:41 AM